Done and Dusted

Well, it's finally out of the way...

Tonight i stepped onto the elusive Ewart Hall stage & did my thing. Granted it was over backing tracks.... and there was a handful of people at best in a room which holds around 1000 or more, but atleast it's out of the way, and i didn't majorly fuck up in anyway.

I wish i could say i was excited about it, but i wasn't... even as i sit here now.. i feel somewhat numb... which is weird. I'm used to having that wired feeling when on stage and walking off it... tonight i didn't feel that..... at all.

Ultimately it wasn't a real gig.. and more importantly it was not the kind of gig i would do.... people sitting down.. classical hall.... ridiculously low volume (i could barely hear myself in the beginning!). That said i appreciated the fact that although only a handful, atleast people came. For the most part i didn't recognise most of the people in the beginning, apart from my friends and technically neighbours Bill & Nell Evenhouse, but afew more people came in bringing the total not higher then 20 i'd say.. actually it was probably closer to around the 15 mark... The later additions being students from my MUSC-180 class and the MUSC-280 guitar sessions.

There was one fellow whom seemed genuinely moved by the music, mostly "Echoes Of Rain", and was very enthusiastic. Generally when i see that and hear the response, i realise that i am close to achieving what it is that i've been building towards as a musician, and as a composer. Sure i could run up and down the neck all day long.. but not only does it bore the crap out of me.. i imagine it bores the listener too... I'm looking to move people.. and i think i'm getting better at being able to do so....

Ultimately though the same questions always arise about my career and the future of it.. which i have to humbly admit to not really pursuing or pushing and whatnot.... I don't know whether it's complaicency, stupidity, laziness, or just the fact that i've accepted that in this day and age, a career of fame, fortune, the spotlight and whatnot.........just isn't me.

Ironically i think all that time i spent "roughing" it has made an honest to god humble man out of me.. which for the most part is good... but at the same time... i'm entirely sure it's practical... let alone makes any sense for a guy my age.... And more importantly, if i have no goals or aims in terms of achieving things, then why bother in the first place?

well i know the answer to the last part... like it or not, it's who i am and it's not something i could stop without doing serious psychological damage. And making money out of it really isn't who i am either in the sense of becoming a commercial whore.

I think i need to rethink things abit... make one of those 5 year plans everyone always raves on about....

yeah......that's really going to happen.... more then most likely i'm going to watch a movie, doze off, and then go to work tommorow....well... today.... in about 5 or so hours......