January 9, 2009

amazing how 6 years go by, in the blink of an eye it seems, yet seldom much changes in its wake.

I've been trying to keep productive and busy to keep myself focused, but naturally that all comes down like a bunch of building blocks. The insomnia and weird trains of thought are starting to take their toll on me, add to that the lack of dietry balance, exercise, and general social normalcy, and i guess you end up with the state that i am currently in.

Crazy to see just how left of field my life has gone in that amount of time, and how things have progressed.

I've spent most of my time either catching up on my reading (currently reading Zen & the art of motorcycle maintenance), And trying to get some social interaction in whenever possible, but that's something i seem to be losing an insight into. Heck i can't even get people i know to talk to me on the ever growing facebook.. which is ridiculous to say the least.

It's fairly known that the life of an artist (a real one that is...) usually involves solitude, reclusive & detached periods.. but i didn't expect them to grow with age... well not to the proportion they have (considering i'm not all that old).

I find it difficult to be around someone and maintain conversation now without feeling the weight of the surroundings on me, aswell as an overblown sense of awareness which makes me even more uncomfortable. A small part of me thinks that maybe i'm slowly losing my grip on reality, and another part of me wonders just how tight that grip was in the first place...

As my mind weaves around various thought patterns, the one thought that does not escape the ducking and weaving is that of the future... the long and winding road ahead. My career as a musician started last year with the release of my debut album, since then it's gained favour amongst many. Now INFINITY is not a followup or a real DREAMFULLOFZEN album, just a soundtrack, which is my first commercial release. Now i'm currently working onto the follow up album (which if all goes as planned will be out later this year).

The main thought is a somewhat pessimistic thought: "Why Bother?" Naturally most people think like that, but in the jaded industry known as the music biz, one can only ponder about the point of trying to make a living in an industry which focuses on material based around imagery & lyrical content of a questionable nature. Songs focusing on sex and boys and partying and drugs and being a rockstar are what is being asked for.... and i have absolutely no desire to glorify those things or even be involved in making music for them.

And unfortunately, making a living in music production has dwindled down.. and landing contracts now... well... it's kinda reached Lotto status odds. I've tried afew new things to see and give them the benefit of the doubt... but i'm not hoping for much. Would be nice to be proven wrong though....

Naturally that won't stop me doing what i do.. I'm just thinking about the focus of what i do... would be nice to sleep without having to think about that kind of stuff.. For anyone contemplating music as a living... i sure hope you're willing to make ALLOT of sacrifices....